The Top Ten Reasons For Right Wing Men Not To Have Kids
And what your favorite Star Wars character's astrological sign says about your taste in video games!
[NOTE: The following is mostly a satire, and does not necessarily reflect the views of the author or any particular person. Don’t at me. Happy Father’s Day.]
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There have been a lot of hot takes generated recently about the pros and cons of having kids as a young rightist man. As some of you may have pieced together from some subtle hints I’ve left here and there, I previously very much came down on the pro side of things. Usually, my response to any controversy that affects me in even a tangential way is to write what I hope is a thoughtful and measured essay on the subject. But I’ve realized lately that I’m getting a bit old, and my experiences with working and having children reflect the mores of simpler times, when things were easier and altogether more wholesome- those halcyon days of circa 2017 or so, when the West largely resembled a cross between an episode of Little House on the Prairie and a Pepperidge Farm commercial (I remember too). Thus, I thought it would be useful to instead compose a super-linkable listicle like the Buzzfeed of old I so wistfully recall as I sip my cocoa. Therefore, in the interest of elucidating the evolution of my views, I’m going to take the opposing position to that which I previously held, and describe, in order of importance, why young right wing men shouldn’t have children, because spicy controversy lol 🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️
Women are annoying.
While the subcontinental brain trust at Apple is working hard to develop an AI workaround, at present having kids means securing the assistance of at least one woman. And here the problems begin. If you’re a total chad- as all RW men are- it’s of course no trouble to find women to have sex with. The hitch, so to speak, is that many of them will insist on sticking around afterward. Imagine a football game where fourth quarter just ended and everyone is shaking hands, but the opposing quarterback wants to hang out for hours playing catch and talking about his feels. Bro, we’ve done all the scoring we’re going to do and it’s time to go home. If it gets really bad and you put a ring on it you’ll one day experience the dark realization that she is home…
He tried to warn you.
Marriage is a trick and relationships are a trap and anyway modern Western woman are both irritatingly Trad and a bunch of e-whores. They’re at once wildly promiscuous and the reason everyone is an incel. This all began with the Boomers (more on that later) when women in the fifties or whenever started suspecting that men were having fun in their office jobs while they sat stir-crazy in the suburbs. As nothing makes women angrier than the prospect of men having a good time without them, they marched off downtown, took over HR, and shut 👏🏼 that 👏🏼 party 👏🏼down👏🏼. Women thus proved they could do any job men could do other than the hard and dangerous ones, but this alienated them from their core drive to have babies. The result of all this is that their descendants have sublimated and imprinted their motherly instincts onto cats and immigrants (and presumably immigrant cats), such that they are wholly unsuitable for anything, like, long term. Avoid, unless you want to put in work to find and sustain some kind of meaningful connection with someone. But even if you do that, here comes the next issue…
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At least she gave the iced matcha guy something to do.
Kids are annoying.
Kids are much like women in terms of irrational demands, but with the added negative of being financial liabilities- (unless you indenture them to Disney, and you probably don’t want to do that). Go to any maternity ward and all you’ll hear is screeching; that’s the collective sound of brake pedals being slammed down on your life as it comes to a tire-shredding halt. You will spend the next several months living in four hour increments, each punctuated by noxious fluid materials blasting out both sides of a screaming infant like the boss of some sort of Chernobyl-themed video game- but it’s all too real.
Above: the nightmare-spawn of unrelenting, vomit-spewing mental and physical torture. Don’t be fooled.
You won’t sleep or leave your house or have friends. The only people you’ll interact with are elderly female relatives thrilled to be relevant again. And it doesn’t get any better as they get older; get ready for doctor visits, games, car trips, and endless questions about everything. Kids expect you to have all the answers and fix all their problems. They’ll come to you for love and support in perfect trust. They’ll keep bugging you with pictures they drew of you, hearts and stuff like that. Sure, they’ll be times when it seems worthwhile, but you’re forgetting…
Kids are expensive.
No one can afford kids these days. No one. Don’t believe the propaganda about all the people feeding one, two, or even three children on an average income- they’re not. Full stop. I can’t confirm that the families I see at Chick-fil-a are sponsored by Mossad, but I’m not ruling it out either, because in this economy that should be totally impossible.
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Something isn’t kosher . . .
Now here I’m talking about the South, and yes, things are cheaper here. And yes, I’ll stipulate that I work multiple jobs to sustain things, paying for private school and such. You might think that’s not a solution for you, and you’d be right, because what that would imply is that…
You’ll have to work harder.
Men with kids work harder than those without them. This sad fact is perhaps the most demoralizing thing about fatherhood. I still remember the sounds of my Boomer father coughing and shuffling in the morning as he got ready for his ten-hour days at the machine shop, me still in bed. Gone by six, home at six; I can still smell the grease permeating his work shirt to this day. What a crap example of manhood. The wagie life is as much a trick as marriage, designed to take a man’s Faustian drives and neuter them in the interest of others.
King Cobras don’t have 9-to-5 jobs, and that’s just a scientific fact.
Other scams include college, working for a corporation, learning a trade, or really anything other than becoming an e-celeb giving advice to other men about how to check out of a world that hates them. Apart from that, everything is demoralization, which brings us to the evil twin of working more…
You might have to move.
Everyone knows there are a select few places any self-respecting young rightist can bear to live, all of them large, expensive cities dominated by leftist regimes. This makes it possible to be a fixture in various scenes and work in finance and tech, without which traditionalism would be nigh impossible. However, unless one is substantially wealthy, this largely precludes starting a family, as those same industries are responsible for skyrocketing home costs. Cities are for tech bros, their servitor caste of managerial ministeriales, and hordes of lower-class depth-grobblers, representing both the decayed remnants of prior internal migrations and freshly imported coolies.
Take it from Andrew Yang. Excelceites don’t live in Greenville, SC.
This leaves the young DR man a difficult choice; he can move somewhere else- i.e. the literal middle of f****** nowhere 🤮 or simply stay where he is and unrelentingly insist that the real estate situation is unfair. As life is generally fair, once the authorities acknowledge his complaint, it will no doubt be shortly addressed, and he’ll be allowed to live wherever he wants while earning the salary he knows he deserves. Granted, his ancestors solved prior housing problems by moving, bringing entire countries into being thereby, but that’s the past, and it’s hard now. Besides, the Faustian spirit of Western man is about terraforming the Moon; moving to Ottumwa, Iowa is just gross. And what would you even do there..?
Check out this hellhole in Georgia. Not even any train tracks for trans unhoused experiencers of mental health episodes to push people onto while screaming antiwhite slurs.
You won’t have time for important things.
As noted previously, having kids means your life is over. Great men have always disdained family life in order to pursue greatness- greatly- and you are no different. Leonardo da Vinci didn’t waste time changing diapers- he had Last Suppers to paint. Haters will say there were other reasons he wasn’t inclined to reproduce, but you know better. You’ve got that grindset mindset sigma focus and important things to do, things you’ll get to at some point. Don’t be fooled by the fact that it seems like the people who are chasing their purpose always seem to find it either in grifting or Xbox; a Top-G level Call of Duty ranking is this generation’s Pieta. The internet is your canvas and shirtless locker room pics are your immortal legacy. Don’t trade all that for a few Christmas mornings and a lame tie on Fathers’ Day.
Stop simping and live like Batman.
Great men forge a path to the stars alone. I mean, not Johan Sebastian Bach, or Johannes Vermeer, or William Shakespeare, or Geoffrey Chaucer, or Alexander Hamilton, or Klemens von Metternich, or Robert E. Lee, or Teddy Roosevelt, or J. R. R. Tolkien, or Elon Musk,* or any of the other thousands of men who achieved great things while being fathers. Other than them, hardly anyone does. If you don’t believe me, just look at the greatest mind ever…
What would Nietzsche do?
Friedrich Nietzsche showed the way. Turning boldly away from the slave morality of his debased Christian society, he took up the mantle of aesthetic prophet, advocating a life of passion, conquest, adventure, and cruel distain for weakness, pity, and other Jewish crap. What’s even more astonishing is that he was able to do all of these things entirely in his head, while appearing to the world as a man unable to mount a horse without physical injury or maintain a job as a professor without having a nervous breakdown. Think about it; it’s easy to be brave when you’re courageous- just imagine doing it while you’re sobbing at the sight of someone flogging a horse, and even that might not have happened.
Everything edgy about Nietzsche‘s image was the work of his sister, who cared for him (thanklessly) through ten years of his helpless insanity. Just like Achilles.
Be like Nietzsche. He didn’t need a family to achieve great things; he didn’t even need the great things. What’s important is to write about great things and how everyone around you is lame for being a normie. That’s why he’s the ideal philosopher for the Internet Age, the internet being the place where even a pre-diabetic incel can hold the masses in contempt. And like Nietzsche, who figured out that society went wrong the minute the Bronze Age ended, you can have a theory about why the whole world sucks too…
You’re not a Boomer.
If you’re Nietzsche, the Boomers are an entire generation of St. Pauls, Jewing up not only a false consciousness for your generation, but also prices (how Jewish can you get, amirite?). Boomers ruined everything, and what’s really irritating is that they’re totally oblivious to it. Let’s look at the facts. While every Boomer was granted a three-bedroom home at state expense at birth, you are forced to toil endlessly for nuggets of neo-plasmin, cycling monotonously between your wage-cage and your studio apartment, desperately hoping that some of those elders might finally die and stop feeding on your essence.
The above video is a clip from a documentary about the modern economy. #skeksisboomers
Life is hard. Harder than it’s ever been, ever. The last thing anyone should want is to bring kids into this world, at least not until all of the Boomers are dead and the evil they created in the world is undone. Since they’re essentially demonic, that’s going to involve something more thorough than a simple Day of the Pillow …
There needs to be a total societal revolution first.
Everything that exists deserves to perish. Governments, churches, schools, corporations, armies, social media, modern man, modern woman, probably tr00ns, the news, the economy, Canada, and seed oils- among other things- will all have to be destroyed de haut en bas. After that, sure, maybe you can talk about having kids, but the way things are- forget about it. Thus, it’s a far better use of one’s time to advocate solutions that require complete world upheaval than to strike up a conversation with some woman at the local coffee shop, who probably just has AIDS anyway.
You stink of death.
Young men with nothing to lose are indeed a powerful force, and the Lizard People should thus be grateful that weed, porn, video games, and beer are in fact things that can be lost, and in even more fact will seldom be hazarded even for the prospect of real improvement, or, to use a negative example, in order to gain a family. After all, having kids is just another trick the system uses to manipulate you into thinking it’s possible to have kids. Don’t be fooled. Don’t be a Boomer. Reject their values by doing whatever you want and live your best life without regard for future generations. You don’t want to be at some little league practice when the Nian Rebellion 2.0 kicks off. You should do you. And this leads to the really important part, the single most important reason why right wing young men shouldn’t have kids.
Having kids screws up liberalism.
You live in a big city with the cool people, or wish you could, but in any case, you’ve made a careful study of the right things to think, and more importantly, the right things to say in such a context. In your observations, you’ve discovered something important about liberalism- while hegemonic, it lacks vigor. Its premises about radical individualism, total personal autonomy, moral and scientific progress, and merciless jihad against any barriers to the realization of the construction of the self are all great, but they’ve kind of become a little boring in their execution. Also, you’ve noticed that there isn’t much to differentiate you from your would-be friends, and liberalism if nothing else fetishizes novelty. What to do to spice things up . . . ?
Adding religion to your liberalism would just make you Rod Dreher, and nobody wants that. Adding some form of nationalism might work, but Zionism would just make you Ben Shapiro, and nobody wants that either, and obviously the last thing you want to be mistaken for is some MAGA cringeprole. But then you hit on something. You notice there’s a really big gap between expressed and revealed preferences on race among your would-be friends among the elite human capital. Everyone at Tech Co. Inc. is all about Black Lives Matter, but they prefer them to matter at a distance. BOOM, you’re in! Race realism, baby- just keep those browser tabs open on those FBI statistics and testing data and now you’ve hit the perfect sweet spot of acceptable edgy right winginess. Your message doesn’t necessitate any personal change or make unwelcome demands on anyone’s worldview. Your job at the cocktail party is simply to make everyone comfortable with their casual contempt for others AND make them feel like they’re doing something dirty.
That last word is important. Liberalism is all about breaking down existing barriers to the exercise of individual fulfillment, and this necessitates ever-increasing amounts and creative modes of transgression. It’s why, in its religious aspects, its fundamental sacrament is abortion (you’ll never challenge that either) and other forms of death-fetishization. And if dead babies are its eucharist, its object of worship is the self.
Having children, raising them, loving them, and sending them out into the world to become someone else’s is an act of sacrifice that serves to repudiate liberalism in the purest sense. Your life is not your own; your body is not your own; your time is not your own, your money is not your own; and to do it right requires a daily denial of that self that liberalism demands one not only prioritize, but worship. But you know better. Life is about getting what you want how you want it. Kids get in the way of that. They make it hard for you to do the kind of performative edgy right wing stuff that impresses both the internet and the scene. And if there’s one thing you can be sure of when making the wise choice to avoid children, it’s that to be a dissident is to wholly affirm the values of the existing system while posing as an original and unique thinker.
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So that’s the Top 10 Reasons For Right Wing Men Not To Have Kids. Hopefully, you’re as convinced as I am. I’m on my way to google how to contract out my own daughters to Nickelodeon- their interruptions made it quite hard to type this. If I’m going to be producing content about how great kids are (after the revolution) I can’t keep having them getting in the way. So do as I say and not as I say I do when I say things, and avoid kids. If nothing else, it’s more ice cream left for you.
Sick burn on Nietzsche...
It's an observation well made that he's the perfect philosopher for the 'internet age'.
'Race realism, baby- just keep those browser tabs open on those FBI statistics and testing data and now you’ve hit the perfect sweet spot of acceptable edgy right winginess.'
This hurt a bit.
By and large men should aim to stick around in their home town, marry locally and let their kids grow up where they did--continuity, in a word.
I say this as a chap who did otherwise and, while not regretting it, can now see the drawbacks of 'leaving it all behind'.
This morning my kids tried to surprise me by getting me coffee (almost wrecked the microwave trying to heat it), cleaning my office (throwing away important docs), and giving me cookies for breakfast (I am low carb dieting).
It was the best Father's Day gift ever.